I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
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In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.