Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
You Might Also Like
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
They’re called werewolves.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Optional boss fight.