If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
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Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
North and South
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.