Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
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I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.