I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
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Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.