My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
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Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.