I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
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Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
💯😂
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.