Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
You Might Also Like
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.