boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
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I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I love you…
…r dog.