My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
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My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments