looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
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I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
The prophecy is fulfilled
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey