Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
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I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do