I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
You Might Also Like
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself