Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
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Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
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Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.