The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 馃し
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Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I鈥檓 up $83.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD