*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
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[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Probably my best painting.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?