Who called it baking and not making love
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The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Only short people can save us
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me: