[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
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Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.