hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
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new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
😂😂😂
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
If I ignore life will it go away?
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.