The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
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“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Discuss
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*