boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
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“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
What a website
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Children of the corn 🌽
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?