Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
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[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank