[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
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The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
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who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk