5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
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*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*