Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
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My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.