*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
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my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline