Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
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*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
o shit
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.