Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
You Might Also Like
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
✌🏽
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.