Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.