Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
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Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did