Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
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I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
This was a bad idea all around
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.