BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
You Might Also Like
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Care for your back
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.