Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
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*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Tremendous stuff
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats