I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
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Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
#SCOTUS one-star review
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom