Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
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To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Why font matters.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?