[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
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The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…