I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
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My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
No, I don’t think I will.