i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
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“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
when you are just born a rebel
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
This probably isn’t good
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees