God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
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* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
the official breakfast of 2021
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
adam and eve had first world problems
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.