*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
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I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.