The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
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The only good comments section online is on recipes
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.