if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
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A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
selfie game
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.