When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
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So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.