This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
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Fat chances are my favorite chances
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it