[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
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I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt