Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
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Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Not today.. 😂
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.