Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
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favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.