Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
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My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.