getting old is fun
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[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.