My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
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Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?